Mourning in Growth
Here I sit, on my last day in Ireland, staring at my full suitcase. And my heart is so full.
Before I came here, I could not fathom how any place besides Indiana could feel like home. As someone constantly prepared for the worst-case scenario, the anticipated outcome was that I would be aching with homesickness by week 3, utterly bored, my dream of studying abroad as a life-changing experience dimmed down to a state of normalcy.
I was wrong, and in the best possible way.
How can home be more than one place? How can I split myself in two for both? Like some kind of boulder, I can feel a little crack right now. That crack keeps expanding as the days dwindle, and when I step onto the plane for home, a piece of me will break off and stay here. Metaphors, I know, but aren't all of us writers just a combination of metaphors and pretension?
I saw a quote a few months ago that I am thinking often of this last week: "No one warns you about the amount of mourning in growth." Experiencing life is amazing, but goodness does it hurt sometimes. And there is no way to avoid that hurt, only to know that it is worthwhile. That is really the secret to moving forward in spite of everything- feeling that your pain is justified. In short, as long as it was worth it, you can sleep soundly at night. And this experience was worth it.
It breaks my heart to have to say goodbye to this beautiful country, but even more so I regret leaving the people here who I have come to consider my friends. They really are wonderful people, and mean so much to me, even if I only knew them on such a brief time span. Under different circumstances, we could have been real friends. Nothing makes me sadder than having to settle for what could have been, had we all had more time. They have still become part of who I am, however, and I will always be indebted to them for making this experience the best of my life. I look so forward to cheering them on from afar in all the things they decide to do in their lives, and to hopefully seeing them again one day.
So what is my advice? Do everything. Meet new people; they will help you grow in a way that you can't if you only surround yourself with familiar faces. Try every food; if you're a picky eater, get over it. Step outside of your comfort zone. Work your hardest not to complain; your kindness makes more of an impression than you realize. Never say no to chocolate (applicable everywhere). Understand that some things cannot be given a dollar value, and photos can only capture so much.
I am so thankful to have met such people and partake in so much here. Only that gratitude eclipses the low spirits plaguing me these last few days. I do not know when or even if I will ever have the means to return to this place, but even if I do, I know that this is the only point in time that I could have this experience with these people. The amber is hardening, and this moment is almost frozen. But it's a beautiful moment, and I am happy to have been part of it.
Farewell for now, Éire- and thank you for everything.
