On Overextending
It's been a while since I last wrote here, and I'm sure you have all been missing me.
(That was a joke, in case you missed it, since so few people actually read this blog.)
As to why I've been so quiet, it's no small wonder. My life is crazy and hectic, and for the most part I like it that way- less time for worry and uncertainty- but recently I have begun to feel the strain.
You know when you tell yourself that you can take the stairs, even though you know it's four floors up and you're not in good shape? Well, I told myself I could make it, and I am confident that I will eventually reach the top. But my legs have definitely started burning, and the first beads of sweat have appeared. I expect regret to arrive soon, and self-loathing sometime close to finals.
As is characteristic of college students, money is heavy on my mind. I have worked hard all my life, and at this point I've taken to building my life around that quality. My family is not one of privileged means. Every bit of my tuition, books, and supplies come out of my own pocket in a constant cycle of building savings, then almost immediately depleting those savings. I don't blame anyone for this; my parents are the two hardest-working people I know- they have high school diplomas and have been employed their whole lives. Myself and each of my sisters had jobs as freshmen in high school and learned to prioritize work above nearly everything else. Being part of the middle class in this country often feels like treading water: it's exhausting and difficult work that you never stop doing, but you're only ever keeping your head above the water.
Remembering my own fortunate, however, is important. There are people who have nothing, and the only way to improve that situation is through education. To compensate whatever deficiencies of background or status I have, I throw most of my efforts into schoolwork. I like to learn, and I'm good at it, and I know it's a golden ticket.
This and next semester, I am juggling 18 credit hours and 3 jobs simultaneously. My goal is to graduate early and save a year of tuition expenses, which will hopefully make graduate school possible. To manage all of this, I have reasoned, I need to carry my maximum workload, do my most high quality work, and make as much money as possible (sounds so simple, right?). As one can imagine, this is beginning to take its toll, but I am confident I can handle this. I have to, because life doesn't get easier, and I want to be prepared for the sort of responsibility I hope to have one day.
Since this is my blog, I'm going to get candid: essentially all of my moral and ethical codes are built on the idea of worthiness. I am obsessed with being deserving of good things. My mind has programmed itself to believe that if I work hard enough, then good things may happen to me. If I fail because I am poor, or unremarkable, or some other circumstance out of my control, I can live with it, because the blame is not on my shoulders. But I will not fail because I didn't work hard enough; to me, that is the only thing that is unacceptable.